Muggle Sex Toys and Magic Do Not Mix
by remuslives23
Summary: Sirius misuses some Muggle artifacts. For treacle tartlet's prompts at LJ. Slash.


**Title:** Muggle Sex Toys and Magic Do Not Mix  
**Author:** **remuslives23**  
**Rating:** M  
**Pairings/Characters:** Remus/Sirius; James, Peter  
**Word Count:** 1381  
**Summary:** Sirius misuses some Muggle artifacts.  
**Notes:** For **treacle_tartlet** who gave me the prompt _misuse of Muggle artifacts_. Hope you like it, hon. Thanks to **dogsunderfoot** for the lightning fast Beta. Also meets **lover100** prompt 078: always, and **potterprompts** prompt 14: diplomacy.  
**Warnings:** Sexual situations. Language.  
**Disclaimer:** This fiction is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling and affiliates. No money is being made and no offense is intended. Characters are of legal age for sexual situations.

* * *

'Padfoot! Cancel the spell!'

'I can't! It won't stop! _Finite Incantatum!_'

'Bloody hell. Just... hide everything. Quickly!'

Sirius scooped the brightly coloured objects scattered over the bed into a pile then wrapped them in the bedspread. He held the bundle tight to his chest, eyes darting desperately around the room for a hiding spot then, hearing a footfall outside the door, shoved it under Remus' bed. He threw himself down on the mattress, grunting, 'Oof!' when Remus, still fastening his fly, leaped onto the bed and came close to planting a knee in Sirius' tight-and-tingling balls.

There was a moment of frantic rearranging and, when James and Peter burst into the room, Remus was leaning against the bed head, open book in his lap, and Sirius was lolling at the foot of the bed, trying to look bored.

'Hey, chaps,' Peter called, waving a hand at them on his way to the bathroom.

'What are you two doing?' James asked, collapsing across the bed. 'The Schneider twins were asking after you both.'

'Really?' Sirius asked, lifting his head off the mattress and arching an eyebrow. Remus caught his eye and frowned, and Sirius hurriedly added, 'Not my type, Prongs. Can't speak for Moony, though.'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'I'm not all that fussed, either,' Remus said disinterestedly, turning a page of his book, and Sirius smirked, letting his head drop back down onto the bed.

James huffed in frustration and sat up, glaring first at Remus then turning his narrowed eyes on Sirius. 'What's with you both lately?' he demanded, his brow furrowing. 'You've not been on a date in weeks, and you...' His gaze snapped back to Remus, 'are going to _die_ a virgin if you don't pull your head out of your arse.'

Sirius snorted and mumbled, 'That's one thing he's _never_ had up there.'

'What?'

'Nothing,' he said, pushing himself up. 'What are you doing now?'

'Evening snack in the kitchens,' James answered, the lines in his forehead deepening. He cocked his head. 'Do you hear something?'

Remus' head shot up, blue eyes panicked as he stared at Sirius. 'Er, no,' Sirius said loudly, grabbing James' arm and pulling the other boy up with him as he stood. 'Get me some of that chocolate pudding from the kitchen, yeah? Moony, you want something?'

Peter emerged from the bathroom, casting a bemused glance at Sirius dragging a puzzled James across the room. 'What's happening?' he asked, then yelped in surprised as Sirius reached out and snagged his arm, dragging him in his and James' wake.

'You're going to the kitchen, right?' Sirius said, ignoring James' struggle to break free of his grip. 'Moony?'

'Sandwich,' Remus said quickly. 'Um, roast beef. Lots of it. Full moon coming, and all that.'

'Yeah, me too,' Sirius said, then he pushed his friends out the door. 'Go on then. We're starving.'

'You get weirder every day,' Peter murmured, shooting a worried glance at Sirius before heading down the stairs.

James peered over Sirius' shoulder. 'You two...'

'...are starving,' Sirius finished, already swinging the door shut. 'Don't forget my pudding.'

He slammed the door in James' irritated face and spun around.

'That wasn't obvious, at all,' Remus scowled, throwing down his book and jumping off the bed.

'You try and think with all your blood trapped in your cock,' Sirius retorted, palming his still-hard dick before falling to his knees beside Remus' bed. He reached under it for the bundle of toys, which was growling threateningly. 'Gods, can you imagine if James had found these?'

'Can you imagine a Seventh Year that can't manage correct spell casting?' Remus snarked, long fingers fumbling to pull the bedspread back. 'I can't believe I let you talk me into this.'

'It's a few harmless spells to liven things up,' Sirius said defensively as the fabric fell away and the jumble of Muggle sex toys tumbled free.

They stared down at the anal beads that had swelled to enormous proportions, the leather cock rings that tightened unbearably tight (Remus' cock saved from amputation by the Very Careful application of the Swiss Army knife he'd given James for his birthday). The studded leather chastity device snapped and snarled at any fingers that came near it, and the nipple clamps had nearly bitten Remus' nipples in half.

'Together?' Remus suggested, careful not to knock his still-tender nipples as he held up his wand.

Sirius nodded and raised his own wand. 'Always,' he said, giving an unimpressed Remus a wink before they turned to the swelling, biting, squeezing toys and reciting, '_Finite Incantatum_', firmly until the air shimmered slightly around the items, confirming that the spells had been lifted.

Remus sank down onto the bed with a relieved sigh. Sirius adjusted himself in his trousers and sat beside him. They were quiet for a long moment then Sirius said hopefully, 'You know, I really should do something with this hard on before I get gangrene and it falls off.'

Remus huffed out a laugh then stretched out a leg to drag the toys and bedspread back under the bed. 'You are incorrigible,' he said with mock annoyance before he shoved Sirius down onto the mattress.

'You love me that way,' Sirius grinned, biting his lip to hold back a guttural groan as Remus made swift work of his fly.

'Lucky for you,' Remus mumbled, pulling down Sirius' pants and appreciatively eyeing the erection that eagerly sprang free. He wrapped his fingers around the thick-veined shaft and squeezed. 'That cock ring really works.'

'_Moooony_!' Sirius howled then he swore copiously when Remus licked a stripe over the angry red head.

'Promise me you'll never try spells on Muggle sex toys again,' Remus said, breathing purposefully over the damp crown before flicking his tongue lightly at Sirius' frenulum.

'Gods!' Sirius gasped then he shook his head. 'I'll research the spells properly next time.'

'No.' Remus angled his head to nip at Sirius' balls, drawn up tight against his body and _throbbing_. 'Never again.'

'Remus...' Sirius' hips bucked and thighs parted wantonly as Remus' finger dipped behind his balls. 'Shit. Those anal beads could be brilliant with the... _oh_!... the correctly bal_aaaa_... balanced spell.'

'No.'

Sirius cracked open his eyes, gazing pleadingly at Remus as the other boy licked his lips then hesitated with his mouth just over Sirius' cock. 'Remus?' He canted his hips, but Remus pulled back.

'Promise,' he said sternly, Sirius let out a frustrated growl.

'Fuck! Alright! I promi_sssss_... Oh, Godric! Remus!'

Remus gave Sirius three hot, wet sucks that made Sirius' eyes roll back in his head. Then he released the ring and, suddenly, Sirius was coming powerfully, arching right off the bed as he bit down on his hand to muffle his cries. He panted hard, his vision blurred and cock still twitching with aftershocks, as Remus delicately zipped him back up and lay down beside him. Sirius turned his head to smile besottedly at Remus, who grinned back at him.

'Good?'

'Bloody brilliant.'

'Next time, let's just stick with what we know, yeah?'

'Yeah,' Sirius agreed, rolling onto his side and laying his head on Remus' bony shoulder. 'You're right. Unspelled vibrators and cock rings only for us for a while. Stick with the traditional stuff.'

Remus snorted and kissed Sirius on the temple then they both leaped apart when they heard voices on the other side of the door.

* * *

'Do you think they're done?' Peter asked, staring warily at the doorknob. 'And... all packed up?'

'Gods, I hope so,' James mumbled, swapping Sirius' pudding to his other hand. 'I can't take finding another butt plug in the washing basket.'

Peter shuddered. 'Or mistaking their pot of lube for lip balm because they hid it in my wet pack.'

James winced. 'Or finding out where that thing we thought was a broken necklace really went?' he said as he took a deep breath and put his hand on the door knob. 'That was so much more than I needed to know.'

'Yeah,' Peter agreed. 'You reckon they'll ever tell us they're together?'

'Not unless we catch them,' James said then closed his eyes as he turned the handle. 'And I pray to Merlin every day that _that_ will _never_ happen.'

fin.


End file.
